After my earthshaking announcement that I’d become a Catholic, I waited for my phone to ring off the hook. I figured that I’d be contacted by all the big news companies for an interview.
Hours went by. . then days. Okay, I thought, maybe they’re not interested. . . but some of the smaller outlets would be chomping at the bit to speak to me. But so far, nada.
So since my big news apparently isn’t front-page news, I decided that I would interview myself. This way my millions of fans (right) will be apprised of the whys and hows of my momentous decision.
Interviewer (Me): I almost fell off of my chair when I found out that you’d become a Catholic. What were you thinking?
Me: Thank you for your enthusiastic and supportive reaction.
Interviewer: I mean, really. The Catholic Church has been in steep decline since the l960s. The Pope is a controversial figure. He pleases the left but unnerves conservatives. Even those people who call themselves “Catholic” rarely go to Church. So why would you hop on this sinking ship?
Me: Because it’s the true Church of Jesus Christ.
Interviewer: So just like being a conservative in Berkeley, you like going against the tide.
Me: Actually, my goal is to get to heaven and spend eternity with Jesus. The other option sounds like really bad news.
Interviewer: (sarcastically) Really? You are so arrogant that you think that the only way for salvation is to become a Catholic?
Interviewer: So millions or trillions of good, lovely human beings are spending an eternity in hell because they didn’t go to Catholic Church every Sunday?
Me: Hey, I don’t presume to know where they are. I just want to get to the right place.
Interviewer: Wait a second. There are scores of other Christian churches. The Protestants have tens of thousands of denominational, nondenominational and every other type of church. There’s the Eastern Orthodox, the Mormons, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and on and on. And you think that the Catholic Church is the only true church of Jesus Christ?
Interviewer: (sputtering, she’s so frustrated) Well, why in the world would you think this?
Me: Because Jesus started His Church on his rock, Peter. Peter means “Rock” in Aramaic. Remember that Jesus changed the name of the apostle, Simon, to “Peter.” Jesus said that on his rock, Peter, He will build His Church. So the Catholic Church can trace its origins to the first Pope, Peter, an apostle. Other Christian churches are man-made — and most rose out of rebellion, such as the Protestant and English Reformations.
Interviewer: (not convinced) What else do you have?
Me: You know that book that the Protestants love and revere — the Bible? How did we get the Bible? Who decided which books would be in the Bible? It was the fathers of the Catholic Church. And who rescued the Old Testament books from oblivion, since the Jews didn’t want most of the books, just the first five? The Catholic Church. In contrast, Luther, 500 years later, wanted to get rid of a bunch of the books, including the Epistle of St. James and the Book of Revelation. He wanted to eliminate St. James’ Letter because it spoke about works, and Revelation, because it implied that there was a purgatory. For the same types of reasons, Luther dumped several of the Old Testament books from his Bible. So today it’s the Catholic Church that has still preserved the entire Bible.
Interviewer: (flustered) Okay, well then, let’s move on. What kind of Catholic are you? There are so many different types these days: traditionalists, orthodox, liberal, CEOs (Christmas and Easter Only), cafeteria Catholics, etc. etc.
Me: Well, I would consider myself an old-school orthodox Catholic.
Interviewer: So. . you are one of those extremists who think that the Pope is an anti-Pope and that there’s no valid Pope in the Vatican?
Me: Nope. I can’t say that I agree with a lot of Pope Francis’s views. But he’s the Pope, so we have to respect him.
Interviewer: Do you only go to Latin Masses, like those other rigid, old-fashioned, pre-Vatican II dinosaurs?
Me: Actually, I love the Tridentine, Latin Masses. And I would go to them regularly if they were close by, but they aren’t, so I go to the Novus Ordo Masses. However, I admire those Catholics who go regularly to the Latin Mass.
Interviewer: How has becoming a Catholic changed you?
Me: It’s completely rocked my world. It’s made me a completely different person. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet.
Interviewer: When did you become a Catholic anyway?
Me: It was over 3 years ago.
Interviewer: (apoplectic) WHAT! You were received into the Catholic Church more than three years ago and you didn’t tell your devoted readers about it?
Me: That is true.
Interviewer: Why didn’t you tell folks right away?
Me: Actually, I’m not sure. I guess I felt that I wasn’t ready. I wanted to become stronger in my new Church and my beliefs before spilling the beans.
Interviewer: How does it feel to tell the whole blogosphere?
Me: It feels good.
Interviewer: I hope that you’re not going to be one of those evangelizing types who try to convince others that they should become Catholics.
Me: I likely will.
Interviewer: Then you will be insufferable!!
Interviewer: Well, there is so much to ask. But let’s leave it for another day and another interview. Any last words?
Me: Yes. It’s Holy Week. And I want to encourage my readers who are Catholic to go to church. And also those who aren’t Catholic — please go to a Catholic Church for Mass. And also. ..
Interviewer: (rolling her eyes) Okay, we’ve heard enough for today. Good night.
Me: And Happy Easter.