The Great American Bathroom Wars

Since Obama appeared on the national scene a few years ago, this country has been embroiled in one brouhaha or another. We’ve debated Issues that were never discussed before: topics that no one thought about or, if they did, the subjects weren’t discussed in polite company.

But now nothing is off limits. The latest headline grabbers are about toilets . .who uses them, where, and when. In the good old days of pre-2008, no one talked about subjects such as, “tea bagging” or bathroom rights — no one needed to. But now, a formerly neutral topic (that is, who uses the can) has become a battlefield.

Back in the golden olden days, it was crystal clear to every man, woman, and child which bathroom they should use. In fact, one can make the argument that bathroom use was the one topic in America that united liberals and conservatives, old and young, and people of all races, creeds, and colors.

Although citizens might argue about abortion, the Middle East, and briefs versus boxers, we all knew that males use the men’s bathroom. Conversely, females went to the bathroom in the women’s room. There were even nifty little signs on the doors, so that non-English speakers could find their way to the right place.

But now, nothing is as simple as it once was. Now, males who think that they are females are demanding the right to use the women’s bathroom — with our President and Hillary Clinton also getting fired up about this supposedly essential, human rights issue.

Now what I find interesting is that we hear a lot about biologically born males demanding to go potty in the women’s bathroom. However, hardly a peep is uttered by those biologically born females, who think they are males, demanding to go into the men’s room. I have spent (way too much) time wondering why the noteworthy difference. Here is my careful analysis:

The first possibility: The lack of ardor for females to use the men’s room may have to do with the usual state of a men’s room. I mean, let’s face it: every gal knows what a miserable olfactory experience it is to share a bathroom with a dude.

I’ve never been able to figure this out. Why do those men, who have perfect range when shooting a gun or chopping wood, miss the toilet, 99% of the time? And why do otherwise intelligent males never think to wipe up the mess?

I mean, really. Any of us long-suffering gals who’ve had to share a bathroom with a male know the nuisance, if not the absolute horror, of a unisex bathroom. Many a marriage has been saved by relocating from a one-bathroom to a two bathroom residence, thereby allowing the woman to have a Room Of Her Own. And, another burning question here: why is it, after generations of feminine nagging, that the male sex cannot remember to put the toilet seat down?

So one possible reason why biologically born women (who think that they are male) are not hankering to share the lo with males is the gross out factor: that is, they wouldn’t be caught dead in the place. But there is another possible reason for the bathroom reticence.

It may well be that a biologically born female who thinks that she is a male is actually afraid to use the men’s room. Political types may argue that this is because she worries that the men may yell at her for invading their private bastion of masculinity. But she may actually be scared of the opposite situation: that the men might welcome her entry a bit too gladly.

The reality is that while most men are harmless, good guys, still, there will always be males who wish females harm. And then there are otherwise decent men who, when given the opportunity, may want to take a peek. This reality of human nature is one of the reasons why bathrooms have been segregated according to sex, that is, Men in the men’s room; ladies in the ladies room.

Now if this theory is true, that is, biologically born women who think that they are males, may feel endangered using the men’s bathroom, this invites a relevant question. If biologically born men enter the women’s room. . . does this put the ladies in some danger?

A lot of people are worried about the risks to the safety of girls and women of men in the women’s rooms. And there are good reasons to be concerned. Studies show that in unisex bathrooms in coed college dorms, some females have been sexually harassed by males secretly spying on them and even filming their private activities. Common sense tells us that if unisex bathrooms become the law of the land, many more girls and women will be at risk.

My personal opinion here: let’s return to the good, old days, when males used the men’s room, and women in the ladies room. I mean, how long does the whole event even take? Aside from the occasional runs from too much pepperoni pizza, most of us are in and out of a public bathroom lickety split.

But common sense isn’t common anymore. If anyone voices opposition to the Great American Toilet Experiment, the hypnotized masses will rage: Unfair! Civil Rights! etc. etc. It’s as though much of the country has lost its collective mind.

There’s no sign of the insanity letting up any time soon. One can only hope and pray for a return to some degree of reason come November.

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