And the Presidential Election Goes to ____________??

I pay very little attention anymore to current events. It just gets me agitated about things of which I can do nothing. However, given the upcoming election, it’s hard to escape the frenzy around Presidential politics.

As for me, I’m not particularly enchanted with any of the candidates. If I had my druthers, Ron Paul would be running, because I like how he combines anti-war policies with fiscal responsibilities. But we got the group that we got, flawed as they are. I’m not ready to predict who will ultimately win. But, in the style of the Oscars, I think that I can announce some winners:

In the Category of Brainiest Presidential Contender:

I think that this one is a tie between Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton. Cruz is a razor sharp and accomplished guy. And Hillary was always the smartest gal in her class. I like the idea of a brilliant president for a change. But there are big problems with both of them, as I will talk about in a minute.

Best Family Values

Here, the winner is also a tie, between Cruz and Marco Rubio. Both have picture perfect wives and (surprise) only one of them, as well as successful children. In contrast, we have:

Worst Family Values

This was a really tough pick. Donald Trump has gone from wife to wife, always trading up for a younger, trophy wife. Bernie Sanders has had two wives, a woman that he produced a child with and, according to Wiki, now a “domestic partner. Hillary has stayed by her man, but Bill’s womanizing (as well as accusations of sexual assault and rape) cast a pall on her wifely devotion to him.

So, while I stressed over this one, to me, the clear winner is. . . .. Bernie Sanders. He tipped the scale in his direction by some noteworthy writing that he did in his 30’s (note: not at age 14, though this would have been disturbing enough). He claimed that women like to be tied up and raped by three men. So either the dude is a class A misogynist or so socially autistic that he thought it was okay to put this in writing. Either way, if he’s elected, we’re in trouble.

Most Potential to Get Us Into Another Nasty War

Again, this was a tough one. As Secretary of State, Hillary seemed to enjoy bombing the daylights out of several countries in the Middle East. However, the award in this category goes to Ted Cruz. Apparently, he is hungry to “carpet bomb ISIS back into the Stone Ages.” The problem with this plan is that ISIS is all over the place, so said bombing would involve killing a lot of innocent people. Plus, his proposed bombing would take place mostly in Iran, a country that is not hurting us and where there is no evidence of weapons of mass destruction.

The Most Heartless Contender

Again, this was a toss up between two people: Hillary and Bernie. Bernie’s incredibly twisted comment about women makes one question whether he seriously needs a heart. But I had to go with Hillary for this award. After she sent the military into Libya (a then secular country that wasn’t bothering us), she giggled with her gal pals something to the effect of: we came, we killed Ghadafi, let’s go eat lunch. Somehow this callousness isn’t my idea of being a successful woman.

The “Black Lives Don’t Matter” Award

This one was a no-brainer. And the award goes to: Hillary Clinton, for declaring how much she admires the eugenicist, Margaret Sanger. Hillary has, in fact, won the Margaret Sanger award from Planned Parenthood. Clinton has also received a whopping campaign contribution of $20 million bucks from Planned Parenthood

The problem is that Margaret Sanger was an infamous eugenicist, who wanted to purify the bloodlines partly by eliminating the black population with her “Negro Project.” According to Sanger, “We do not want word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population.” It’s no wonder that many leaders of the civil rights movement of the 60s were wise to this and opposed abortion.

Sanger talked about weeding out undesirables through birth control, and she accepted an invitation to speak at a KKK meeting. Another quote from Sanger: “Birth control is nothing more or less than the facilitation of the process of weeding out the unfit.. . They are human weeds. . reckless breeders. . spawning. . human beings who never should have been born.”

Sanger has gotten her wish; black women now abort their fetuses five times as often as white women. It probably helps that Planned Parenthood locates most of its clinics in black and Latino neighborhoods, and most get abortions for free. All of this. . and the fact that Planned Parenthood has been caught red-handed selling (mostly non-white) body parts makes it a slam dunk that Hillary gets this award.

Person of Most Faith

This one is a tie between Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. Cruz is a devout Baptist, and Rubio, a faithful Catholic. Both have a strong commitment to living out their faith. Hillary seems like a fairly faithful Methodist, but her super progressive values contradict her stated religious beliefs.

Donald and Bernie weren’t even in the running. Donald states his religion as Presbyterian, though apparently the church that he “attends,” doesn’t have him on the roster. Bernie has claimed in the past to be an atheist, so any affiliation he has with the Judaism of the Old Testament is simply having a Jewish sounding name.

The Scariest Candidate

Again, this one was a toss up. We’ve got Hillary covering up Bill’s sexual abuses and chuckling when Ghadafi died. And Ted is ready to bomb the life out of the Middle East. But in my mind, the winner is Bernie Sanders simply because the thought of an atheistic, socialist President gives me the heebie jeebies.

So how does this all translate for me? Who am I going to vote for when Californians finally get to the polling place this summer? I really don’t know; we’ve got until June to make that decision.

But, you may insist, if you’re going to write a smartie-pants article snarkily dissing all the candidates, the least you could do is say is who you’re leaning towards.

Okay, if you insist. If I had to vote tomorrow, I would vote for:

DRUM ROLE …………………..

Donald Trump. Seriously. I like that the dude knows how to make serious money, something that our country desperately needs. And he has the common sense and the courage to state the obvious: that we can’t have a solvent country if we let in much of the Third World.

Regardless of who wins in November, there is good news in all of this. It won’t be Barack Obama. And if we have managed to survive the reign of Obama (fingers crossed, we still have one more year), I imagine that we’ll survive President Hillary, Ted, Bernie, or Donald.

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